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Let's do an ask me anything post.

No topic off limits, just ask. You can ask logged in or anon.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-17 11:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zeldazonk.livejournal.com
Where is Alex's father?

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-17 11:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] said-by-me.livejournal.com
He lives here in Sacramento with his wife, their daughter and step-daughter. When I got pregnant he (and then she) pushed very very hard for me to have an abortion or give Alex up for adoption. I refused, obviously, they threatened to go for legal custody. I told Alex's dad that he could choose to be in his son's life or not, either way but I wouldn't allow him to come in and out and leave broken promises and hurt my son.

He chose to stay out of Alex's life, has never met him, voiced any concern over how he is or asked for even a picture. I sent emails to him early last year asking for some medical history and he never responded. Sometimes I am grateful he isn't around. I mean I get to make all the decisions, I don't have to share my time, there isn't any Disneyland dad thing and other times I get really resentful and I hurt for Alex. Its hard making all the decisions and not knowing if they are right or wrong or going to someday hurt Alex or what.

When Alex asks about him, I tell him that his dad lives with his other family and loves him very much. I don't want to be the one that turns Alex against his dad. If 6 months from now Alex's dad opts to be a dad to him (having nothing to do with me), I want Alex to embrace that relationship for all that it entails and not feel that he is somehow caught in the middle or betraying me. I want him to know that no matter what, that IS his dad and their relationship is between them. I'll facilitate what I can but his dad has to want it too ya know?

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-17 11:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zeldazonk.livejournal.com
You're an amazing mother. It takes a lot to try to preserve that connection for Alex, after all you've been through as his sole caregiver, and not want him to feel torn.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-18 12:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mvllscott.livejournal.com
When and what is your next career move?

(no subject)

Date: 2011-01-06 05:17 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
i see you're a mod for the sobriety community. what was your experience with addiction and recovery like? whatever information you don't mind sharing is greatly appreciated. thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-01-06 05:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] said-by-me.livejournal.com
Wow big question.

I started drinking when I was in high school. A friend introduced me to the Grateful Dead which lead me in to pot, psychedelics and lots and lots of drinking. I could take or leave the drugs but never the alcohol. My drug of choice at that point was "what ya got". A different friend introduced me to meth and I was off and running from then on. Everyday was a search to ensure I had enough for the next. I loved how I felt, the energy, the weight loss. I got a DUI when I was 19 and arrested for possession. I knew I was addicted, I knew I had a problem. I wasn't ready to stop though and honestly, didn't know a way to even if I had been.

About 18 months later (1997) I got online for the first time and found a Friends of Bill W chatroom on AOL. I had no idea who Bill W even was. I slowly found out and made a lot of friends in those rooms. I would attend their AA Online meetings while drinking and doing lines. I was a trainwreck and a half by then. I was down to less than 100 lbs (I'm 5'8), in severe debt, had alienated everyone that really cared about me and I was 21. I kept up with the chatrooms and even had an online sponsor but I couldn't be honest with any of them.

In May of 1998 moved to MI to live with that online sponsor. In hindsight I can see it was a geographic but I was so scared of myself, I needed a place I couldn't get any drugs and where people were sober. I lasted about 9 months there before my self destruction again left me isolated and without anyone. I came back home very broken but off meth.

I found a new sponsor, started attending meetings, worked the steps, made friends and around 18 months sober decided that I was probably too young to really be an alcoholic and did what the Big Book advises. I practiced "controlled" drinking for a good 6 months. Things spun out of control, I lost my relationship, got laid off and was contemplating suicide. A belly full of booze and a head full of AA is a fairly miserable place to be but it left me with the hope that I could still be ok. I sobered up again on February 14, 2001 and have been since.

I talk to another alcoholic daily, do 1, 2,3 in the morning and 10, 11, 12 at night. I don't go to meetings anymore, lack of energy, time, desire... I just don't. Meetings are a great tool and for me, they kept me sober when I couldn't find a Higher Power. I am always grateful for AA and the tools they gave me. Without AA I am positive I would be dead or in jail.

Sobriety and recovery are a wild ride, at least for me they've been. I found pieces and parts of myself I didn't know existed, some were good, others were horrid. My recovery has taught me to be a good mom, worker, friend and most importantly, a person among people. I don't have to make myself better than and equally important, less than anyone around me. I'm a work in progress and today, I choose to stay sober. As proud as I am of my upcoming 10 year birthday, I remind myself that I only have 1 day.

Hope this helps. If you need/want more information or to talk, please feel free to PM me or email me said_by_me at livejournal dot com if you want to stay LJ anon

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